Just another Sunday......

So today was cool. We woke up...took the kids to Chuck E Cheese. Did some grocery shopping. Spent some time with the family. Now I'm sitting here watching Rock of Love 2. Love this show....about a bunch of catty....in heat girls fighting over a has been rock star. AMAZING! I weighed myself and I lost another 2 lbs. I was very happy.
So with my goal of losing weight also comes some soul searching and personal self analysis. I have a tendency to always expect the worst. I think that this is a way for me to protect myself in a way because if I am always expecting the worse to happen.......then if and when it really does.....it doesn't hurt as much. This would also be the same situation when it comes to personal relationships. I have a hard time truly letting people into my personal bubble. Look at my husband. I've known him since I was 15.....and because of our "growing" pains.....I even keep him at a distance sometimes. It's sad to say......but I don't think I truly trust anyone. When I say truly....I mean with everything that is near and dear to my heart. This could be applied to so much in my life. Such as work.......I put myself into my work........I try to do the best so I can exceed for my family, but I always expect the worse. I am one of those "the glass is almost empty" kind of girls. I also have a tendency to not forgive...definitely not forget. I will bring up stuff from 1,000 years ago in the most random of situations and I dunno why I do it. Actually that's a lie, I do know why I do it. I don't feel that some of the wrongs that were done against me were truly ever apologized for and or even regretful by the people who have wronged me. I feel that for me to truly get over something and forgive someone....I have to see and feel their remorse. If not, then what would stop that person from doing it again. Does this make sense? So tonight I was reading some self-help stuff and there was something that I read that really hit me and made a lot of sense. The statement said:

To be free and have peace you must forgive; to forgive means you give up your perceived power and can be hurt again.Not forgiving means they own a piece of you. Even if you never face the offender again, they wield the power to intrude in your thoughts, feelings and choices. They now perpetrate the offense over and over in your mind. If you are not freed from the offense, you are destroyed by it.

The question is not do they deserve forgiveness but do you deserve to be freed from the offense. You are the author of your life condition. You decide, "trapped" or "freed".

So I am going to make a big effort at being a more "positive" thinker. To let go of the pain of my past and try to move onto a bright future. This will hopefully make me into a better person entirely. You may be asking how this ties into weight loss?? Well.....I think a lot of my weight issues comes from when I was little. Lets start w/my parents. My Mom has always been itty bitty. So growing up I was always a chubby little girl and hearing from her always "You are so pretty...if only you could lose some weight....then you'd be perfect." Well....this always gave me a sense of never being good enough. My father....always had weight issues himself and as a little girl he use to try to bribe me with money or presents if I lost weight. Now both always on me about weight, but never implemented anything in our lives as a family that changed our eating habits. So the family keeps eating and just jumping on my back about my weight problems. So I get a little older. Now comes the part where the emotional eating comes into play. So I already feel that I am not good enough......now my parents are fighting constantly. So...what does Ann do? I eat to cope w/a very unhealthy family life. Yah so I know what you're saying, "Oh poor you blah blah blah." But I think you have to look at the past to understand your present and change your future. So to continue. Her comes awkward high school. I meet my very first love of my life and future husband. Which meeting someone in high school and marrying them years down the road is an ideal situation....don't get me wrong. But my husband was not......how you say....purest of men when we met. So for a young girl who already has self-esteem issues to deal w/a man who is VERY experienced was intimidating. Then we went through the whole "Do I want to be with you or do I not want to be with you? Are we just friends....are we more?" Dating other people. Me being there while he dated other people and vice versa. Can you say "Rip My Heart Out What Don't YOU!!!!!" I know.....this is stuff everyone goes through, but binge eating was my way of dealing. Then my daddy passes away. More emotional baggage. More drama with the husband while we were dating. More low self esteem. Kids......baby weight. And here I am today. That was 27 years summarized in a very long paragraph.
Ok so enough with my random self insights and issues. So hopefully this blog with kind of serve as not only a weight loss tracking for me, but to also vent about the things that go on inside my head that I can not always express verbally to the people around me. Ok everyone.....night!